The concept of Revenge:
Why is this a thing? Who are you trying to get back and what are you trying to accomplish? Does it actually make you feel happier to do something cruel to someone else (if it does, I might suggest that the only “dates” you go on are to a therapist). If you care so little about someone that you can do or say something cruel and malicious on purpose and are fully aware of your actions and the consequential reactions- then why do you care that they hurt you in the first place?
Desire to make yourself sadder:
Why do people do this. I’m sad, so I’m going to listen to sad music and watch sad movies. Or, even better, the break-ee asks the break-er to talk to them over and over again just so that they can pour some salt in the wounds a little more efficiently. If you are lucky enough to be friends with the person you were with, had a healthy break up, and want to continue to be friends with them- put it on hold for a bit. Don’t see them for 2 weeks – 2 months (depending on the length of the relationship) and try to talk to them as little as possible- but especially don’t talk about the relationship and how sad you are. This is just causing unnecessary and embarrassing pain!
Friends who say the wrong thing:
I told you so’s, I never liked her/him’s or let’s get drunk until you puke, crap/pee yourself, and/or solicit yourself in ridiculous ways…’s…are not only unhelpful in the immediate, short term, or long run, but ARE detrimental to the health of the person involved, wouldn’t you agree? Oh, and from experience, you can make someone stop coming to you when they really need a friend if you just criticize the decisions they made (or will make- because they will likely falter). A while ago I learned to be a lot more accepting of the “mistakes” that friends make…luckily before it was too late. And FYI- you aren’t perfect. You WILL do something stupid someday.
Misery Loves Company:
saying to the break-ee that the break-er was perfect and you loved them and you wish it didn’t have to end- that doesn’t make people feel better. Don’t hate…but don’t join in on the misery.
Set ups:
Unless you are asked- don’t. Unless you are ready- don’t. Oh, and if you’ve asked previously and the person has said firmly “no, never” or even “no, not now” leave it be until/unless they come to you.
Change:
Grow as a person throughout your life. If at all possible, travel and meet new people. Learn from old relationships…but never change or expect someone else to change if it isn’t something that you/they want. Compromise, sure, but trying to get someone back by making sacrifices (especially one-sided sacrifices) leads to resentment. Resentment is an ultimate killer of relationships but more importantly, your own sanity/happiness- you can date someone who goes out once or twice a week with their buddies without the world coming to an end. Also, if the other person refuses to stop doing something that hurts you- why even try to continue to ask? Just walk.
Neurosis: Mine.
Serial Monogomy:
Just because you got out of a long term relationship does not mean you need to immediately replace it with another to feel better. I recommend that everyone tries being single for a while. And I don’t even mean go on multiple dates and enjoy the “single life” that people always talk about- I mean BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF. If you have never tried this before, wait until you are not heart broken and do not have a crush on someone for at least a few months. I tried this out for 6 years and am extremely content with who I am (2 years would have been enough- I went overboard). I believe that I can avoid unhealthy relationships because of this fact. This is not necessarily because I make better choices, but because I know that when something starts to go bad I can just leave. This will not be the end of the world. In fact, I have been happy alone before and I can be happy alone again. Which reminds me of another thing…
I will nevers:
I will never get over this person, I will never be happy again, this sadness will not go away.
Once you’ve been through a few heart aches you begin to realize this is utter bull shit. I get that when you love someone the idea of getting over them and them changing their mind sounds like the worst possible thing- but think about this: if you were over them, and they changed their mind- would you actually care?!
Never-Ending Cycles:
If you broke up, you broke up for a reason. I understand that people sometimes break up in the heat of the moment, or break up for a while…become new people…and find each other again. HOWEVER…if you have done this more than once it’s likely time to find each other on opposite sides of the country (or, at least, keep the F*** away from each other…seriously).
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